Alea Iacta Est. That’s what the SMS said.

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It made me freeze in the middle of the street and look around me. Funny how slowly people moved and how blurry they were all of a sudden! A grey blur of business people with dots of colour. Even in slow motion I could hear the mishmash of languages, making up a very colourful dot.

The process that led to the Alea Iacta Est has been a long one. Years, actually. We’ve basically doubted our way. Well, we did get a kick in the ass though. That’s what the Alea Iacta Est is. Along came this house that we kind of really wanted and then we got it and this house just happens to be back home so that means we’re moving back home to be able to live in it.

Little did I know that when we decided to try our luck abroad as expats, we’d end up staying for more than 10 years and that the decision to move back home would be such a hard one. I mean 10 years ago, it would have been an obvious one, only we had all the time in the world, those were our baby years.

Then what happens? One year just follows the next with a snap of your fingers. Before you know it those babies are getting big, you have a nice home, a job you like and friends you like too, you know how everything works and there you are. Comfortably seated in the middle of your comfort zone. A long process yet a snap of fingers.

But – maybe not so comfortably seated after all? Because throughout those years and that process, there was always a feeling of not being at home and of this not being your home and that you needed to be back home. Roots don’t grow through those comfy pillows. And then you take a look at your children who’ve grown up in this country that’s not yours, and you take a look at your husband who – as men often are – is quite pleased to have a good job and be where the family is and you think that – nah, it’s just me, I’ll get there. Where are those pillows?

Only you never got there. And now there’s the Alea Iacta Est. That day, the Alea Iacta Est day, as I stopped to look and listen, I had a superquick conversation with my gut feeling. Was I really ready to leave, all things considering? My gut feeling said yes. My head tried to intervene to say «but what about…and what about…», but my gut feeling was clear. Happy, incredulous, scared, but clear.

Alea Iacta Est. The die is cast. And although there is a turning back, there isn’t.

 

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